It was late August. And I was late. Not late for work, not late for an appointment…..the other kind of late. 4 days to be exact.
I wasn’t ready for this. What seemed like a million thoughts raced through my head. Can I do this? How can I be a mom? I’m going to have a baby? What’s my family going to think? What’s everyone going to think? I’m married, but I still feel like a child. Oh my…
I almost threw up on the checkout counter at my local Walgreens as I went to buy a test. More thoughts racing through my head as woman smiled at me as she rang up my order. What’s she thinking of me? Can she tell I’m 25? She probably thinks I’m 18. Quick, flash your wedding ring so she doesn’t judge you… (ridiculous thoughts, I know. But we all have them.)
My self-induced nausea continued as I got home and tried to convince myself to pee on the stick. I had a complete anxiety attack in my living room. I was crying hysterically, practically hyperventilating. I wasn’t ready for this. I wasn’t ready to be a mom. I could barely open the packaging, let alone aim to pee…I was shaking uncontrollably. The anxiety had completely taken over and I was ready to pass out by the time the result came through. Negative. Oh.
Two more days passed, still no period. Anxiety kicking in again, I struggled to test again. Still negative. Could it be false? I’ve heard of that happening…An incredibly small, barely-there feeling of disappointment passed over me.
Another four days passed, making me a total of ten days late. I was convinced the third test was wrong. There was no way it could still be negative. It had to be wrong. I was hoping that it was wrong. I called my doctor’s office, reported that I was ten days late, and waited for a phone call back from the midwife…..
And then it came.
And I cried. I cried because I wasn’t pregnant. And that’s when I knew I was ready.
Fast forward a few months, I was convinced it was that time of the month again. I was crampy for almost a week, had my usual signs. A wave of disappointment came over me….another month with no such luck. I was four days late, but had such awful cramping that taking a pregnancy test didn’t even cross my mind. Until my friend suggested I take one in case I was actually pregnant, but having an ectopic or miscarriage.
Sure enough, a big fat + sign showed immediately the second the pee hit the stick. I couldn’t even be excited because my first thought was that something was wrong. I called my midwife who said cramping is normal, and to come into the office tomorrow. The next day it was confirmed I was pregnant, and I was given an estimated due date. Holy crap…….we are going to be parents in late September!
That week was filled with joy as I made calls to those I was close with to tell them the news. Being a nurse, I wasn’t all about telling the world until you’re out of your first trimester…but I made sure to tell those I was close with so I would have a good support system if something was to go wrong. Little did I know how much I would need that support system in the close future.
A week later, I began spotting. I went in for two internal ultrasounds, receiving positive reports on both. And then it started three days after……red. Bright red blood, and cramping. “It’s going to be fine,” my husband said. I wasn’t so convinced.
Another internal proved my suspicions right…no heartbeat. Yet baby was measuring appropriately, so my doctors weren’t entirely sure it would end badly. All we could do was wait. And wait. And wait.
The next three days were the longest three days of my life. Waiting is not something I am great at, especially when I’m a rollercoaster of emotions. I spent those three days praying, submerging myself in the Bible, and going through all the motions you would expect one to go through who was just told they were losing their baby. Why me? Why now? Why my first pregnancy? Could they be wrong? I’ll never get to hold my baby…I’ll never know if it’s a boy or girl. I’ll never know….I’m sorry, I’m so so so sorry. I had to completely surrender this to God. Put all my faith in God. It was out of my control.
And then on Friday morning it happened. I woke up, felt decent. Took Motrin for the mild cramping as I was instructed by my midwife. Ate breakfast with my husband, showered…and then the awful cramping started. Oh, the cramping. Cramping so bad I felt like I was going to throw up. So bad I could scream, coming in waves. I prayed for peace, comfort, that this would pass quickly, and that I would be able to get through it with His strength. I spent the next few hours going through the most awful experience of my life. All with my mother, husband, and the Lord by my side. And then it was done.
Surprisingly (or not), a peace came over me after the fact. I felt grateful. Grateful because I didn’t go through this alone. You see, during those three days leading up to the event, I sent out a message on Facebook requesting prayer. I was overwhelmed with the responses I received. Multiple private messages, text messages, e-mails, and phone calls from close friends, not so close friends, people who are barely acquaintances, and some friends that I haven’t seen in years…all sending me their thoughts and prayers. All checking to see if I was okay. And to those I opened up to about my situation, some personal experiences were shared. Which helped me so, so much.
There were a few people who were text messaging and calling me consistently throughout the entire experience. Seeing if there was anything they could help me with…how far along I was in the process…guiding me every step of the way if they had experienced it themselves. Never once did I feel alone.
I learned a few things during the three longest days of my life:
1. Family becomes even closer when one member is undergoing hardship. And they will do anything for you, even if it means coming to your house, cooking you enough food to last a week, rubbing your back, and just sitting with you while you go through it (thanks Mom <3). They will talk to you for as long as you need during the entire process to help you cope (thanks Aunt Di). They will make five million trips to the store for anything you need, wait on you hand and foot, and if they can’t understand what you’re truly going through they will do their best to listen and be there (thank you, my wonderful husband). And even if they are 1000 miles away from you, they will continue to lift you up in prayer and check on you at exactly the right times (my wonderful mother-in-law and sister-in-law).
2. I am blessed with some really amazing friends. So amazing, I could cry happy tears just thinking of their beautiful faces. A few in particular were there for me more than they will ever know. And I thank God for placing them in my life because I’m not sure how I would have gotten through this without their support, encouragement, and prayers.
3. God is with me – always. Even during a time where it seemed like there was no hope, I found hope in Him. He gave me strength, and held me in His hands for the entire course. He gave me understanding during a time where there was no understanding. He gave me peace during a time where that felt impossible. He opened my eyes to things I hadn’t seen before, and turned my deepest despair into joy. And I learned how to TRULY surrender to God during a time where I had no control and didn’t know what else to do. Which is incredibly monumental for me in my walk with Him.
I never once blamed God or myself. I believe God has a plan for us, and He will bless us with beautiful children in the near future. I’m writing this not to receive sympathy, but to share with you my difficult, yet beautiful, experience of losing my first child. And how I could have never done it without the Lord, my family, and friends. I am eternally grateful.
A very wise woman said to me, “A miscarriage is a spirit so pure that it doesn’t have to spend any time on earth before going to heaven to be with God.” I’m not sure she realized how much this statement helped me get through. I know my child is waiting for me in Heaven, and I look forward to the day we will be reunited.
Thank you for allowing me to share this personal piece of my life with you, my lovely reader. I pray you receive something out of my experience, if not just that the Lord is with you always.
“I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the Lord.” 1 Samuel 1:27-28.